By: Chelsie Griffin
Held his hand by the bedside
as the leaves of autumn turned & died,
Doctor said "He's not gonna be with us long;"
I prayed that he was wrong
"Please God let him hold on,"
But one crisp autumn evening he was gone.
Without a broken breath or a final warning
Death stole him on wings & left me alone in my mourning.
In a fit of fury I cursed tomorrow
The doctor said "Daughter, life is full of bitter disappointment;
You'll find your way through the sorrow."
Yes, bitter; life is bitter disappointment
Suffering calls us all by name
I told the preacher that Earth puts Hell to an open shame
& I walked away from his grave & church forever,
Because everything I believed in was lost forever.
His seed inside of me took hold,
A miracle of life & hope started to unfold.
Eagerly we monitored her heartbeat.
With the willful spirit of her father she began to kick with her feet.
Doctor, doctor, I'm living for tomorrow;
I'm holding on, finding my way through the sorrow.
Marked my calendar for an August day;
The months & seasons passed away,
Then suddenly one early morning
At dawns crack of golden light
Two weeks before the scheduled birth;
I sensed something wasn't right.
She was flailing in the womb;
There was a chill that summer day
Inside that hospital room.
They told me I lost all that i was living for,
The angel inside me was no more.
The nurses said they had done all that they were able to;
I said "life is full of bitter disappointment...noone knows that
like I do."
One of them came clutching a bible in her hand
Gently she placed it on the nightstand.
"The good lord giveth & the good lord taketh away."
"Well God in his goodness took EVERYTHING that day
& if he exists then he's not here."
The nurse looked at me & answered that he was always near
If you let him in,
Then off she rushed; I never saw her again.
I would have had a girl,
I would have been his wife,
The years came & went;
I finally took my life.
Standing near those heavenly courts
I didnt have a case,
Standing there at Heaven's gate
with Jesus face-to-face.
He held my child in his arms;
How haunted were those eyes,
When he said, "Daughter this should have come
as no surprise."
Sorrowfully I asked him why
He let my unborn child die.
But he had spared her from the path he knew I would take
To damnation & heartbreak.
I wanted desperately to hold her, & reading my thoughts,
he handed her to me,
He exuded more love than I've ever known,
I wished I had done things differently.
My heart shattered in my chest
My cruel rejection of him lay like a cold stone
In my breast.
When he reached out to gently pry her from my hands
I begged for another chance.
He said he loved me but I couldn't stay,
I had chances on Earth every day.
"Lord you don't know what I've been through
I wish I hadn't been born."
His heart was in his eyes & it was torn.
Went through life, didn't read the sign
He said "The kingdom of Heaven is for those who are mine."
"My fiance, where is he?"
Jesus said "He's here with me."
How I longed to see him just once before
being torn from child & lover forevermore;
But shifting my child to his other shoulder,
His light was already fading away.
Why torture yourself with more pain?
& my tears fell like rain
at Heaven's gates that day.
Held his hand by the bedside
As the leaves of autumn turned & died...
Life is bitter, bitter disappointment
I said "Noone knows that like I do."
Darling all I had wanted
was to spend eternity with you.